Three Plays by Frigyes Karinthy: The Singing Lesson, Long War, The Magic Chair

texts Three Plays by Frigyes Karinthy The Singing Lesson Long War The Magic Chair Translated by Imre Goldstein " Copyright by Frigyes Karinthy. " Translation copyright 1974 by lmnre Goldstein. 91 THE SINGING LESSON CHARACTERS: PROFESSOR PUPIL (Professor is discovered in front of a music stand, sheets of music in his hands. A corpse is lying on the floor. Professor is alone for a second, then goes to the door and yells out: NEXT!) PUPIL: (Enters.) How do you do? PROFESSOR: Good day. Your name? PUPIL: (Shy.) Croaky. I've come to you Professor ... to learn how to sing. You will remember, Mr. Smith mentioned me to the Professor, intimating that it might be worth developing my voice. I have a very nice voice ... (Prepares to sing.) PROFESSOR: (Sits Pupil down.) Oh yes, yes, of course. I remember. Well, we shall see, shall see. PUPIL: (Happy.) Hehehehe! (Starts singing.) PROFESSOR: However! Are you aware of my method? PUPIL: Mr. Smith told me about the Professor's method. (Starts singing.) PROFESSOR: Shush! First of all, young man, remember that I consider each of the auditory organs as separate instruments. That's number one. Do you understand? PUPIL: Yessir. Separate instruments. (Starts singing.) PROFESSOR: Shush! Second of all, the most important thing is that you pay special attention to the auditory canal. Understood? PUPIL: Understood. (Starts singing.) PROFESSOR: Shush! Of course you don't understand. They all say they do, but they don't. (Painfully.) Young man, promise me that you'll be careful with the auditory canal. Give me your hand. PUPIL: (Gives his hands; moved.) On my word of honor, Professor, I shall be careful with the auditory canal. (Starts singing.) PROFESSOR: Shush! I thank you. Now then, stand over here. (Makes Pupil stand in the middle of the room.) Like that. Turn toward the light. Open 92 your mouth. PUPIL: (Opens his mouth, wants to sing.) PROFESSOR: (Waves his hand in disgust.) Is that what you call opening your mouth? That's how a person opens a purse, or a closet, not his mouth! PUPIL: (With his mouth wide open he rolls his eyes.) PROFESSOR: Open it round. PUPIL: (Tries hard.) PROFESSOR: Like that. Now sing: "Sing to me my melancholy baby.. PUPIL: "Come to me my mela..." PROFESSOR: Stop! Hold it! For God's sake, stop! Halt! PUPIL: (Frightened.) What happened? PROFESSOR: Unfortunate man ... you actually sing from your throat! PUPIL: (Confused, stammering.) Well ... seeing that you've caught me like this, Professor, I can't deny it. It is true: I was singing from my throat. PROFESSOR: (Pityingly.) Hmm, of course, of course. Poor man, can't help it. You always do that? PUPIL: (Ashamed.) Well .. . I must confess, Professor ... it's become a habit ... They spoiled me as a child. PROFESSOR: Well, all right. Listen to me. A singer does not sing from his throat. Anybody can sing from his throat; you'll get nowhere like that. One must lower the voice into the lungs. PUPIL: (Nodding happily.) I get it, I understand: into the lungs. Then sing from the lungs ... PROFESSOR: (Waving his hands.) No, no, no! You only lower the voice into the lungs for a split second, then you send it right up into the nose . . . PUPIL: (Gay.) And from there ... PROFESSOR: (Austere.) Well?? From there? PUPIL: (Guessing.) Into the handkerchief ... ? PROFESSOR: You're not prepared at all. From the nose one lets it out into the air. A singer sings with his lungs and his Eustachian tube. PUPIL: And how much is that . . . that Eustachian tube? PROFESSOR: (Severe.) The Eustachian tube, as we know, is the tube connecting the pharynx with the inner ear ... PUPIL: (Lightly.) As we know ... PROFESSOR: .. . so that if you sing loudly the root of the tongue must be thrust into the larynx, my friend, so that the stomach and the gullet form a resonating space. PUPIL: Yessir. Resonating. (Starts singing.) PROFESSOR: Shush! During the low notes you let out the root of the tongue and close your eyes. (Austere.) Why do you close your eyes? PUPIL: (Hesitant.) So I won't see the effect, right? PROFESSOR: Dead wrong! You close your eyes so that you may open your mouth...