The Saliva Milkshake

Play The Saliva Milkshake Howard Brenton CHARACTERS: MARTIN; JOAN; RAFFETY; SIR ROBERT MARTIN: The night they killed the Home Secretary, I got back to my flat at eight o'clock. (A pause.) Joan was there. MARTIN turns.JOAN is there. JOAN: Hello, Martin. Long time. (A pause.) Oh I broke in. Credit card. (She flicks her wrist.) Sorry. You're angry. MARTIN: No ... JOAN: You're angry. MARTIN: It's . . . a surprise. JOAN: Close the door. MARTIN: What? Oh. MARTIN turns away then back to her. JOAN: Cold. MARTIN: November. JOAN: What? MARTIN: It's November. JOAN: I've been wa.iting an hour. MARTIN: Sorry. 142 JOAN: Don't apologize. I am a burglar. MARTIN: Yes. JOAN: (Carefully) A friend told me you are to be a mighty man of science. MARTIN: (Shrugs) What about you? JOAN: One more sociologist on the Graduate dung hill. I'm training to be a teacher. MARTIN: That's ... JOAN: You're right. Nothing. Makes you wonder why they snatched you from the cradle, stuffed all those ideas into your head. You just end up unemployable. Eh? MARTIN: (Awkward, a pause) Well. JOAN: Well. MARTIN: Do you still see Hal? JOAN: Who? MARTIN: Haldine. JOAN: Oh. No. A pause. MARTIN: I'll make some coffee. JOAN: I made some, actually. MARTIN: Oh. JOAN: It's still hot. In the kitchen. MARTIN: Good. JOAN: Black. MARTIN: What? JOAN: I'll have mine black, please. MARTIN: Good. MARTIN goes out. A long pause. MARTIN comes back holding a percolator,two coffee mugs and a bottle of milk. 143 JOAN: I killed the man. (A pause.) The Home Secretary. (A pause.) Of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. Outside his home. He was getting into his car. And I shot him. (A pause.) It was . . . No, I'll spare you that. No, I won't. It was disgusting. (A pause.) We drove to his home. His home's in Hampstead. Very . . . White windows. Behind a wall, with trees. And a brass lantern with an electric bulb (A little laugh.) Didn't even know if he'd be there. It was getting dark. We parked the car. And, in a few seconds, there he was. Funny, about public men. When you see them. As if . .. They've got a rainbow round them. An edge, between the air and the space they fill. As ifthey're not quite ... In space. Our space. 'Spose in a way they're not. Anyway, I got out ofthe car, walked across the road and shot him. The Special Branch man was at the door ofthe house. With a suitcase. (A pause.) In the evening paper ... Said the Home Secretary was leaving for the weekend, in the country . With his wife. I didn't see her. Perhaps she was behind the Special Branch man in the hall. In the . . . (A pause.) dark hallway. Where was I? (Miserable.) Where was I?(A pause.) Ran back over the road. Into our car. Dropped me off at a tube. Swiss Cottage. Bakerloo . .. line. Got out at Charing Cross. Had a pie. At the stall there, the taxi drivers use. Martin? Walked to Victoria. 'Long the Embankment. Parliament Square. Victoria Street. Got the Victoria line. To Highbury. And ... (She shrugs. ) You. MARTIN: Joan, are you joking? JOAN: No joke. (From herbag she takes the gun.) It isn't loaded. They took the unfired rounds off me. But left me to get rid of the gun. MARTIN: Jesus Christ, Joan. Jesus. JOAN: There's a man. MARTIN: (Dully) There's a man. JOAN: He's got a passport for me. In another name. MARTIN: He's got a passport for you. In another name. JOAN: He works in the market in Northcote Road. MARTIN: Oh? JOAN: Near where you used to live. Clapham Junction. MARTIN: Oh. JOAN: His name's Johnny. He does vegetables. MARTIN: Vegetables. JOAN: He keeps his barrow in Kingdom Street. That's a little alley, right by 144 the side of the viaduct. MARTIN closes his eyes, stretches his eyebrows with fatigue. JOAN: Go under the viaduct. With the white tiles on the wall. MARTIN: Go? JOAN: (Ignoresthat) Then first left. It's just...