For A Long Time When I Was A Child

For a long time when I was a child I slept with my father every
night it was something he discouraged, but quietly encouraged
with his acceptance

I would sneak out of my room ready to battle the dark shadows
of spirits only children are known to see and I would pray a prayer
my father taught me a prayer that was a shield from danger and I
would pray this prayer about a Guardian Angel and I'd run through
the hall of darkness into his bedroom

When I arrived I would catch my child-like breath gather my
thoughts together and calm my little beating heart
I would have battled any monster any demon or ghost for the
chance of having my father's body next to mine

Once near him I would sink into the hollow of his back
curl there like a fetus growing straight out of his spine
and when he moved in his sleep I would clench my leg upon his
hip to make sure he would not leave me

My leg there cropped on top of his hairy thigh was an emotional
alarm clock any movement he made would immediately register to
my heart and I would awaken from the deepest sleep for it was as
if in sleeping with him I was sheltered from the cold hands of
death for he was to me both mother and father he was my safety
my life force

My father never betrayed my trust he was awed by the strength of
my love my devotion later when my mind grew to be a woman's
mind and I had thoughts other than the ones that came from him
it was then he felt utterly betrayed by my womanhood

Annecy Báez is the author of "Tell Me More," "The Language of Women," and "The Structure of Silence," and holds a PhD in Social Work from the New York University School of Social Work. She lives in New York City.

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