A Jewish Approach to Conflict Resolution Mussar Part II

S E P T E M B E R / O C T O B E R 2 0 0 8 W W W. T I K K U N . O R G T I K K U N 51 When Some One Gets On Your Nerves W hat tends to happen when someone offends you, attacks your ideas, or treats you like you don’t matter? How do you deal with situationswhereyoufeelenragedorhurtbysomeoneyoucan ’teasilydismiss or ignore? IfyouwalkintoaMussarclassorreadoneofthebooksaboutthe200year -oldhistoryofthischaracter-improvementmethodologywithinJudaism,youwillfind it’snotaboutbeingapassivedoormatforhurtfulpeople.Instead,theMussartechniquesexplore how to handle these difficult situations peacefully and with great respect for the human dignity of every individual, even those whose beliefs or actions offend you deeply. MostoftheMussarmentorsandscholarstalkabouthowharditistoovercomethereactivehumantendencytoverballyattackorself -righteouslylecturesomeonewhosaysordoes things we can’t stand. It might be a member of your family who gets on your nerves about politics,religion,yourphysicalappearance,oryourlovelife.Itmightbeacolleagueatwork who’s saying things behind your back or putting down your favorite project at a high-pressure meeting. Or it could be someone in public life who embodies the exact viewpoint that you have been working for years to change. Assoonasyouhearsomeonesayingordoingtheverythingyoudetest,yourheartbegins toraceandyourhormoneglandsbegintopumpa“fightorflight”megadoseofsurvivaljuice calledadrenalin.Thiscouldbecomeanuglyscene,oritmightbecometheMussarmoment when you remember that hundreds of years of Jewish teachings ask you to take a deep breath, connect with the big picture, and respond with decency, inner strength, and compassion rather than self-righteousness or sarcasm. It’s not easy to do. But if you start to monitor yourself during heated, contentious moments to see how you’re doing onthe scale of “quickto lashout with verbalattacks”or“willing to build a human connection even to those who get on your nerves,” you will be amazed at how much progress you can make. In the Mussar system of daily, weekly, and yearly character self-examination, you are taughthowtoengageinaCheshbonHa-Nefesh(anAccountingofYourSoul)toseeifyouare walking-the-walk or kidding yourself. Each day becomes a learning laboratory to see how far you’ve come, and how far you still could journey, toward living up to the teachings of Leviticus 19 to “treat the stranger and the person nearby as you would like to be treated.” Hereareafewexamplesofthevarietyofbreakthroughsthatcanhappenifyoudecideto see each person you encounter not as an opposing force to be attacked, but rather as a precious spark of hidden light. A Jewish Approach to Conflict Resolution Mussar Part II by Leonard Felder (In the March/April 2008 issue of Tikkun, Leonard Felder wrote about the origins and daily practice of Mussar, a self-monitoring system in Judaism that helps a person respond with decency, integrity, and mindfulness even in stressful moments when confronted with someone who disagrees with you passionately. Now in Part II, we asked Felder to offer some additional real-life examples of how the Mussar confrontation style avoids the “I’m right, but you’re an idiot” tone of most political conversations and therefore might allow bitter adversaries to become occasional partners for making progress.) Leonard Felder, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist and the author of eleven books, including his newest, Fitting In Is Overrated: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider (Sterling, 2008). Politics_3.qxd:Politics 8/10/08 1:40 PM Page 51 52 T I K K U N W W W. T I K K U N . O R G S E P T E M B E R / O C T O B E R 2 0 0 8 1) The Unexpected Overheard Conversation Quite often when you are in a tense situation there are surprising Mussar opportunities in which a person remembers to think about crucial Jewish teachings rather than just reacting from anger or fear. Like a pebble tossed into a body of water that sends ripples for many miles, these Mussar opportunities can have a long-term impact that are beyond what anyone anticipated. An inspirational example is that of a Palestinian man named Sami Adwan, who had beenbornintheWestBank,nearHebron,inthevillageofSurif(Newsweek,8/13/2007).He recallsgrowingupwithmanyfamilystoriesfromhisfatherandhisgrandfatheraboutwhat life was like for their families prior to 1948. As a young child, Adwan was told in detail how Jews had seized his family’s orange groves and wheat fields. These negative perceptions about Jews were so strong in Adwan’s mind that when he came to the United...