In-Your-Face, Mussar Style

58 T I K K U N W W W. T I K K U N . O R G M A R C H / A P R I L 2 0 0 8 In-Your-Face, Mussar Style by Leonard Felder H ow do you confront someone effectively? How do you change someone’s behavior when you strongly dislike what he or she is doing? Growing up in an activist congregation in Detroit during the 1960s, I heard a lot about the need to repair the world and speak up for important causes. But I barely heard anything in those days about how to be effective and act responsibly when you are up against someone who sees the world differently from you. TheSlumLandlordAndTheSelf-RighteousTeenager My first real-life encounter with in-your-face activism came when I was fifteen years old. Several of us from my temple youth group spent the summer months working as classroom aides for a Head Start program in a low-income neighborhood in the riot-torn Motor City. Helping the diverse preschool kids was exciting, but I was upset to discover that many of them lived in run–down apartments that weren’t being kept up by their absentee slumlandlords. SoIdidsomeresearchatvariouscity-housingagenciestofindoutwhoownedtheseparticularunkemptbuildings .Tomysurprise,onepersonownedallthebuildings:thepresidentof mytemple. Immediatelyafewofusdecidedtospeakupandforcethisprominentmemberofourtribe to clean up his act. We wrote angry letters to the rabbi, the board members, and various local media. We appeared on a late-night television talk show and blasted the slum landlord publicly ,callinghimahypocriteandaphony. Withinafewweeks,themanrespondedbyhavinghislawyerswarnusaboutslanderlaws andfinancialpenaltiesforthosewhoengagedinslander.Healsoannouncedthatheabsolutelyhadnothingtoapologizefor .Hesaidhefeltmisunderstood,inaccuratelydepicted,andhorrifiedthatourtempleyouthgroupwasturningintoaname -callingcircus. Despiteallourpassionatezealandourself–righteousstatementsabouthis“hypocrisy,”we essentiallymadenoimpactonthisindividualoronthebuildingsheowned. ADifferentApproach Itwasn’tuntilseveralyearslaterthatIbegantolearnwhywehadbeensoineffective (and what could be done differently when confronting a defensive individual about improvingsomebrokencorneroftheworld ).InaclassontheMussartraditionwithinJudaism, givenbyabelovedrabbi,IfoundthemissingpieceofmyearlierJewisheducationonrepairing theworld. Mussar consists of a series of daily character development steps and profound teachings from various Jewish sources that were compiled by several generations of rabbis in the eighteenthandnineteenthcenturies .TheMussarmovementwithintraditionalJudaismwasledat firstbyRabbiElijahbenSolomonofVilna(oftencalledtheVilnaGaon)andhisstudentRabbi IsraelLipkin(whowaslatercalledRabbiIsraelSalanterbecauseofhisstudiesandteachings intheLithuaniantownofSalant). These scholars and their students composed an organized system of self-monitoring and 7.Religion_5.qxd:Politics rev. 2/10/08 3:54 PM Page 58 personal-change methods on how to develop the patience, wisdom, and insight to treat each human beingwithdignityandcompassion, even during the tension-filled momentsofdailylivingandpassionate disputes. They drew from the practicalwisdomoftheTorah ,thesages, the Talmudic debates, and the oral traditionofrabbinicJudaismtoaddressthequestionofhowtodevelop one’s character and be a good personevenwhenthosearoundyouare taking nasty shortcuts. The central themeintheMussarteachingsisto treatone’sfellowhumanbeings(especially during a disagreement or a power struggle) in the mutually respectful way you would want to be treated. FromseveralMussarteachers,courses,discussions,andreadingsovertheyears,I’vefound there’samuchmoreeffectiveandprofoundwayofspeakingupforjusticeandfairnessthanthe self-righteous name-calling and reflexive demonizing I succumbed to when I was a teenager inthe1960s(andthatwestillseeinmostpoliticalandsocialturf-battlestoday).Specifically,in order to move someone from being stubbornly in opposition to your progressive ideas, there are several key Jewish teachings highlighted by various Mussar scholars that can make an enormousdifference,including: 1)Tryadignifiedone-on-onefirst Asfarbackasthetwelfthcentury,RabbiMosesbenMaimon(oftenreferredtoastheRambamorMaimonides )saidthatthebestwaytorebuke/correctsomeoneistomakesuretheconversation is private, one-on-one, and dignified so that you show respect for the essentially decent character and soul of the person about whose objectionable behavior you are commenting . ManyJewishteachingstalkaboutthefactthatembarrassingsomeoneinpublicorcrushingsomeone ’sself-worthbyname-callingorashamingtoneofvoiceistantamounttomurder. TheHebrewwordforshamingsomeoneismahlbeen,whichliterallymeans“tomakewhite”or tocausethebloodtoleavesomeone’sfaceasaresultofbeingdisgraced.Ratherthanattemptingtocrushthesoulorspiritofsomeonewhoseactionsyouwouldliketochange ,it’sfarmore effective and ethical to deliver your feedback or suggestions with such delicacy that the other personfeelssupportedandencouraged(ratherthanattackedorshamed)byyourcomments. 2) Make sure you aren’t trying to blast someone for what you yourself need to be workingon IntheBabylonianTalmud,RabbiNathansaid,“Reproachnotyourneighborforablemish thatisyours.”InthebiblicalBookofZephaniah(2:2)itsays,“Removethechafffromyourself, thenremoveitfromothers.” So rather than calling someone else a hypocrite or a phony, it would be helpful to use that person’smisbehaviorfirstasaninternalflashlighttolookintoyourownsneakyplaces. Then, when you have connected with your own imperfections, manipulation tendencies, and human-ness,youcanbegintohavealessself-righteousorpatronizingtoneinyourone-on-one dialogueswiththepersonyouarehopingtounderstandandimpactinapositiveway. The other person will find it much easier to hear the wisdom of your words if your tone doesn’t have the shaming or contemptuous undercurrent of a closed-minded know-it-all. It may not be easy to build rapport and engage in respectful conversation with someone whose viewsoractionsmakeyourskincrawl,butifyoucomefromaplaceofhumilityandteamwork M A R C H / A P R I L 2 0 0 8 W W W. T I K K U N . O R G T I K K U N 59 A man is taken into custody during a race...