Sacred Doubt

56 T I K K U N W W W. T I K K U N . O R G M A R C H / A P R I L 2 0 0 8 I was never one of those people who idealized Mother Teresa. ThoughIsurelyrespectedhowshededicatedherlifesototallytotheneeds of the most destitute—after all, how many of us sacrifice our lives so completely to care for the most vulnerable—I also harbored this gnawing discomfortthatsuchselflessnesswasdrivenbyasensethattherewasactually something good and noble about being poor and about their suffering. Perhaps it was my Jewish this-worldliness or my liberal disposition, but I was disturbed that MotherTeresanevershowedanyconcerninIndiaorelsewhereabouttherootcausesofpoverty ,including:thelackofeducation,corruptdictatorships,inequitabledistributionofwealth ,andbigotryagainstsocial,religious,andethnicunderclasses.I knew the Jewish teaching of how Elijah, the harbinger of the Messiah, spends his timeatthecitygatesbandagingthewoundsofthosesuffering,onewoundatatime. Buttheimageofputtingband-aidsonsoresratherthanattemptingtofightpoverty itselfseemedtobeaglorificationofsuffering—abittooChristianformytastes.And, ofcourse,Iwasangered,notonlybyherlackofconcernforthehateandoppression ofwomen,anovertcauseforpoverty,butbyherclaiminherNobelPrizeacceptance speechthatabortionwastheworstevilandthegreatestenemyofpeace. So when I picked up the recent best seller Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light (Doubleday,2007),thecollectionof“darkletters”shewrotetoherspiritualadvisors overtheyearspassionatelyexpressingherdoubt,Ididsowithgreatskepticism.Idiscovered in this flawed spiritual leader—and what spiritual leader isn’t flawed—a humanbeingwhoseprofundityoffaithfirmlyplacesherinthetraditionofthegreat spiritualfigureswhohavebeenshapedbytheexquisiteanguishofbeingfiniteandhumanwhile genuinelyyearningfortheinfinite.ThiswindowintoMotherTeresa’sagonizingspiritualdarkness andwrenchingdoubtaboutGod,Jesus’love,andprayerinvitesnotonlydeeprespectforherspiritual honesty but reflection about the character of authentic faith, especially in these days when faithisconfusedwithcertaintyanddoubtwithweakness. HowunderminingMotherTeresa’slettersaretoallfundamentalistfaiths,betheyreligiousor secular.ShewasnotsomeGod-intoxicatedmysticconfidentlyempoweredtoofferherlifeinsacrificialservicetothepoorestpeopleonthisplanet .Yes,wemighthavelikedhertohavebeeninecstaticunionwithGodasitwouldallowustogetoffthehookbyeitheridealizingherassomeone withextraordinaryfaith,thesortoffaithwenormalhumanbeingscouldneverpossess,orbyseeing her as massively psychologically deluded, the sort of delusion normal human beings ought neversuffer.ButitappearsthereisnoescapingMotherTeresa’schallenge.Neitheranextraordinaryfaithinsomesimplistic ,sweet,andlight-filledNewAgeGod,norabeliefinsomefundamentalist God who ultimately saves if just heeded, nor some liberal secular humanism about doing good,enabledhertoenduredecadesofwipingleproussores,feedingthehungriestofthehungry, or suffering with the dying of so many. It turns out that what motivated Mother Teresa was the depthofherdoubt.Sheserved,shebandaged,shefed,shehealed,sheworked,shesmiled,andshe loved without any of the ongoing awareness of God’s presence that we assume she surely possessed . MotherTeresa’shonestyaboutherspiritualemptinessisuncomfortablebecausewetendtosee genuinefaithandloveasfreeofdoubt.Butnothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth.Amaturefaith, a rich love, a genuine relationship with God or with another person (it is no accident that every mystical tradition analogizes the two relationships) is born of the grit and insecurity of life. We yearn for that place with God or with another person that can banish anxiety, anguish, and SacredDoubt by Irwin Kula AP PHOTO/PLINIO LEPRI 7.Religion_5.qxd:Politics rev. 2/10/08 3:54 PM Page 56 M A R C H / A P R I L 2 0 0 8 W W W. T I K K U N . O R G T I K K U N 57 SANJEEV BERY insecurity. But any faith that is certain is no faith at all; just as any love neverdoubtedisveryshallowlove.Theparadox ofloveandfaithisthat themoredeeplywelove,themorewerisk,andthegreatertheintimacy wedesire,themorevulnerableweneedtomakeourselves.Wemaytryto convince ourselves otherwise with declarations to our lovers like “till deathdouspart”orproclamationsaboutGod’sunconditionalloveforus, but the awesome truth about faith and love is that we can never be one hundredpercentsurewearelovedbyanotherhumanbeingorbyGodor whetherwegenuinelyloveanotherpersonorGodwithallourheartand might.Maybethisiswhyweneedtohear“Iloveyou”sooftenfromthose whom we most love and why so much traditional prayer proclaims our loveforGodandsomuchnewagemeditationinvitesustofeelbathedin cosmiclove.Wecanneverbecertain. What makes Mother Teresa so much more fascinating now that we knowaboutherpainfuldoubtisthatwerealizeherchoicetoliveinservicetoothersandtomitigatesufferingwasachoicemadeeverydaytolove in the grip of doubt, to do good without the certainty that her actions would make any ultimate difference, and to be bound to a vision and a call—once heard but never to be confirmed again—that love was ultimatelyreal .Nofalsedogmaorillusionsofcertaintyfueledher,ratherthe painoflivingwiththepossibilityofultimatemeaninglessnessandabandonment.Andhowcould ithavebeenotherwiseforMotherTeresa?Dayindayoutcaringforthemostdestituteonourplanet ,witnessingfirsthandthedepthsofpeople’ssuffering,andseeingtheinsignificanceofherown actions relative to the enormity of that suffering, any posture but doubting God would have been a lie. For Mother Teresa doubt was not simply part of faith and love; anyone who has ever loved deeplyknowsthatdoubtandfaitharealwaysinadance.Doubtisanecessarypathtogreaterintimacy ,whetherwithGodoranotherhumanbeing.Nodoubtmeansnogrowthinloveorinholiness .TheprofoundteachingreflectedinMotherTeresa’s“darkletters”isthatdoubtisa resultof receivingguidance;doubtisaconsequenceoflove,notawayofpreventingorunderminingit.Certainty is the enemy of compassion; doubt an invitation to prove, through action, that Reality/God/Self/Kosmos,whateverwenamethatwhichwehaveallyearnedfor,ifnottasted,is fundamentallyloving. Mother Teresa connected her feeling of spiritual abandonment into an act of ego abandonment and it gave her unique access to the meaninglessness, loneliness, and suffering in life that mostofuswilldoanything—usedrugs,goshopping,watchtelevision,worshipcelebrities,meditate , worshipGod—toavoidfeeling.Thataccess compelled hertoimposecompassionuponthe suffering,solidarityupontheloneliness,andloveuponthemeaninglessness.InherextremedevotionanddoubtMotherTeresaisanabsorbingcontemporarymodel .Formanyofusdevotionrequirescertainty ,anddoubtunderminesdevotion.Theparadoxoffaith,asilluminatedbyMother Teresa,isthattoallappearancesGodisindeedabsent,contrarytoourreligiousfundamentalist’s dogmaticassertions.Andyet,thereisapossiblefaith,contrarytooursecularfundamentalists,that can supply what is lacking. This is a faith that combines active and engaged devotion to healing people’spain,andfiercelyhonestdoubtaboutwhethersuchactionmakesanyultimatedifference. From this sacred contradiction may well flow the sort of joy that must have been the reason for MotherTeresa...