Zot, Ayin, and the Hundredth Monkey

I never want to read anyone else’s account of theirspiritualawakening.Somecrustyoldpartofmy soulfeelsannoyed,usuallybyhowhappyandslightly smug they sound. When my friend Ramona started talkingaboutfeeling“ecstatic”aspartofthedailyebb andflowofherlife,Ihatedherjustalittlebit. I have the same higgledy piggledy feeling about the word “enlightened.” For no good reason except that I feel I will be left out. You will be better than me. You will have all this light streaming out of your head and you will be Above and I will be Below,whichwillmakemefeelseparatefromyou,whichisnoteven closeto“unityconsciousness.” For me, spiritual awakening remains as complex as that old Hundredth Monkeylegend,whichgoeslikethis:onanislandinJapan,agroupofmonkeyslearntowash sweetpotatoesandteachthisskilltotheirchildrenthroughobservationandrepetition. Once a critical number of monkeys have this skill down—thus the Hundredth Monkey—the behavior suddenly jumps across the water to a nearby island where other monkeys suddenly knowhowtowashsweetpotatoes. Actually, the researcher who published this story made it up. The part about learning to washsweetpotatoeswastrue,butthepartaboutthemonkey’sbehaviorjumpingtoanother island wasn’t. For years I thought this tale was true. It was a hopeful story, designed to give meaningtoourindividualtoil,creatinghopethatweareofserviceonagranderscalesimply byperformingthesmallestactsoflife. Spiritual awakening is complex. It takes a lot of observation and repetition with no guarantees . And—herecomestheparadox—sometimesitseemssimple.Alltheyearsofpractice andintentiontoknowtheDivinepayoffbigtime.Afloodofpureloveandgratitudetumbles through.Alldoubtdisappears.Inthesemoments,it’seasytobelievethatsomethingsopowerfulmustaffectthelivesofallmonkeyseverywhere . Which brings me to my awakening as a Jew. The basic tenet of Judaism, the one that set Judaism apart at the time of its origin, is the belief that there is only one God and God is everything. Sitting in bed one morning, reading because I was too restless to meditate, I came across thisparagraphinAvramDavis’sbook,TheWayofFlame(JewishLights,2007): There is a teaching: “When we become aware that only God exists, then God receives from us the complete joy he hopes for.” This expresses two pivotal points. First, there is only God, by which we mean the Oneness that subsumes all categories. We mightcallthisOnenesstheoceanofrealityandeverythingthatswimsinit.“OnlyGod exists”—thisteachingisitselfawonderfulandancientmeditation.Itisthefirstadmonitionoftheeserthadibrot ,theTenCommandments.Ultimately,nomatterwherewe are in our level of perceptions, there is only zot, thisness. Zot is a feminine word for “this.”ThewordzotisitselfoneofthenamesofGod—thethisnessofwhatis. ZOT! I finally got what it means to believe in only one God. I am going to risk sounding M A R C H / A P R I L 2 0 0 8 W W W. T I K K U N . O R G T I K K U N 51 ANGELO LOPEZ Zot, Ayin, and the Hundredth Monkey by Deborah Allen 7.Religion_5.qxd:Politics rev. 2/10/08 3:54 PM Page 51 52 T I K K U N W W W. T I K K U N . O R G M A R C H / A P R I L 2 0 0 8 sophomoric. If there is only one God, and God is everything, then, really, God is everything. Thiswastheturningpointforme,afteryearsofstudyingeveryothertheologyIcouldgetmy handson.WhenIfinallyreturnedtomyownroots,thekeytothedoorwassittingonmynight table. Godisnotonlyineverything,Godiseverything.Evenintheignoblethoughts,thesleeplessnights ,andthetraumaticstoriesofchildhood.Suddenly,Iamthemythicalmonkeyhundred and one, on the other island, shocked into noticing that I am washing a fat orange vegetableforthefirsttime.Idon’tcareifthisstoryisn’ttrue;metaphoricallyitpacksawhopper . All the observation and repetition seem to kick over into something new. The words mightbeonesIhavereadathousandtimes,butthestateofawarenessisprofoundlydifferent. TheDivineisreally—nokidding—everything. However,thereisanotherstep.Ifwestopat“Godiseverything,”itdoesnotsolvetheissues of torture, poverty, and starvation. We actually have to do something. We have to choose something amidst all this “everythingness” of God’s. Let’s say I decide that I will love God as myfirstchoice.Whatdoesthismean?Isitthesameasmyloveforotherpeople?Actually,yes. In Jewish theology, there are two basic ways we can love God: through right action and loving -kindness. How terribly self-responsible and accountable this makes me. While even my shittychoicesarepartof“Godiseverything,”lovingGodisapracticeofrightactionandkindness . Right about now, when I think I have it all settled, paradox rumbles mercilessly forward. IsitenoughthatIchooserightactionandloving-kindness?Whydoesthis“everythingGod” appeartorespondsoslowly?Howdoesthis“everythingGod”resolvethereallydreadfulrealitiesofsuffering ?Ismy“everythingGod”inHitler,thestarvationofchildren,andallthetruly unspeakablerealitiesoflife?Thelightinsidemyawakeningexperiencebeginstodim. AllIknowtodohereisstrugglewithGod.IlovethisaboutJewishfaith.Intheveryheart of our people is the word Israel, meaning he who wrestles with God, not he who knows for certain. After struggling for a long time I realize, with humility that maybe should’ve been therebeforeIstartedwrestling,thatIdon’tknowwhythereissomuchsuffering.AsIunderstand Jewish theology, we have to travel to ayin, nothingness, (which translates literally as “nothing,”butItranslateas“noanswers”)inordertohearthestillsmallvoiceofGod. Zotand ayin.NowIamsayingthatGodiseverythingandnothing. A sequence of feelings arises when I offer my question about suffering to the nothing. There is a release of often paralyzing grief, usually followed by feelings of...