The Choices of Marriage: One Couple’s Attempt to Create an Egalitarian Jewish Wedding Ceremony within the Traditional Framework of Kiddushin

When we decided to marry, we were determined that our wedding—like our lives—would be simultaneously grounded in halakhah (Jewish law) and egalitarianism. And so right away we found ourselves in a tough spot. As Jews who believe ourselves to be obligated to an ancient and ever-evolving tradition, we wanted our wedding to accord with our understanding of halakhah. Yet as feminists, we wanted our wedding to reflect a commitment and aspiration to an equal partnership between a man and a woman.

We knew it wouldn’t be easy. The traditional formula through which Jewish marriage is enacted pivots on a man making a unilateral declaration and gift to acquire his intended wife. We wondered whether this framework could be reconstructed, or whether it was so incompatible with egalitarianism that we would need to start from scratch. Wanting to claim, rather than write ourselves out of, Jewish tradition, we decided to try to stay within the classical framework if at all possible.

The traditional marriage ceremony consists of two major parts: (1) eirusin, also known as kiddushin (betrothal), and (2) nissu·in (the marriage itself). The first of these sections consists of birkat eirusin, a blessing that acknowledges the biblical prohibition against sex with unmarried women; and the act of eirusin/kiddushin itself, in which the man gives the woman an object of value (usually a ring), and makes a verbal declaration of intent, in order to effect the marriage. Though this section is technically understood as betrothal, a couple that decides to cancel the marriage at this point in the ceremony would still need a get, a divorce document. Nissu·in consists of the ḥuppah (marriage canopy), accompanied by the sheva b’rakhot (“seven blessings”), which place the individual couple’s marriage within the larger context of the redemption of the world.

We focused on the first part of the ceremony—eirusin/kiddushin—as these present the most difficulties for achieving an egalitarian halakhic marriage.

Birkat Eirusin

The traditional text of birkat eirusin reads:

Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Sovereign of the universe, who has sanctified us with the commandments, and who has commanded us [i.e., men] concerning arayot [“forbidden sexual behavior”], and who has prohibited to us women who are betrothed [but not married] and who has permitted to us women who are married to us through ḥuppah and kiddushin. Blessed are You, Adonai our God, who sanctifies Israel through ḥuppah and kiddushin.

We felt that this blessing deserves its place in the ceremony because it speaks directly to the question of sexuality, a powerful and present factor in nearly all romantic partnerships. But the traditional text posed two problems for us. First, it addresses only a man’s obligations and assigns no sexual agency or autonomy to a woman. (This blessing reflects a time when betrothal and marriage might be separated by a period of a year or more, and reminds the man that he is not allowed to have sex prematurely with his intended.) Second, while we found the public acknowledgment that our marriage would involve a commitment to monogamy to be powerful, we did not agree with the assumption that only married, heterosexual sex is permitted, and we looked for a translation of arayot that that affirms that sex can be a positive element of consensual, respectful, and committed relationships even when there is no technical state of marriage.

We found that a number of early halakhic authorities also have problems, albeit of a different sort, with the formulation of birkat eirusin. A number of medieval rabbis notice that this blessing is unusual in that it refers to a prohibition, rather than to a positive commandment. Whereas virtually all other blessings acknowledge God as commanding us to do something, whether lighting candles, putting on t’fillin, or eating matzah, this blessing acknowledges that God has commanded men not to have sex with unmarried women. Presumably in response to the strangeness of birkat eirusin...