Ode on the Death of a Rich Man, and: Lambchops Has a Problem, and: Blaxploitation, and: Adult Education, and: Everyman and His Woman

ST VINCENT 11 PAUL ST VINCENT ODE ON THE DEATH OF A RICH MAN Lambchops apologizes for never having written an ode. He apologizes again for the literary lie. But he was young then. Now, his thoughts on hearing of the death of a rich manconsidering the poor who go singly, tidily, obey merely the Law of Naturehis thoughts on hearing that the man died finally leaving so many well-paid doctors and expectant wives stranded (as well as Brothers and Sisters mourning their god for loss of service)-these thoughts mug an aimless poem into nastiness. And now, in order to teach other rich men-and their servantsa lesson, Lambchops thinks he might attempt an ode. 12 THE MINNESOTA REVIEW LAMBCHOPS HAS A PROBLEM Culturally deprived and cannot be helped. For against his name there are no past convictions, no clashes with the enemy whom he calls (strange lad, letting the side down) Policemen instead of Pigs. The lad (ESN? motherdominated ?) must be helped. Have you not, the headshrinker asks, been deprived of the right to mug out of greed/daring/nastiness instead of raised group-consciousness? Have you been assured of a resident's B.A.? Lampchops, adrift on this Social Science porridge, spreads his fingers in what the Guru sees as assent. Then sign, lad, sign under the finger-prints. But Lambchops is part of a disqualified minority and knows it. Fact is, he confesses, it has to do with the parents: they (simple folk, bless them) have always been married to each other and never divorced. Wilfully, they have refused to break-up his home and give him a loser's chance. ST VINCENT 13 BLAXPLOITATION Success in Angola, in Rhodesiaa Town Councillor in Bradford, a Magistrate in Luton: are these the things that pull his teeth and sap his strength of Will? These triumphs, his supporters insist, make good the defects of a Mandinga, a Drum; leave bored housewives of his acquaintance clutching below the belt, snapping below the belt at those next in line to be abused. Is that his strength, or has he lost his teeth, his Will in the usual way, lanced by friends, by Godfather Kissinger, clutching below the belt, snapping below the belt asking him to stand erect? ADULT EDUCATION Gone is the stack of Playboy, Playboy substitutes, assorted nudes. Philpot is determined to break the habit: unlike the ex-smoker, he's on his own. He looks back on a time before he was addicted, and can't remember it. He's been adult all his life yet his pleasures, they tell him, 14 THE MINNESOTA REVIEW are those of a child. He has vowed reform so often, his friends dismiss him as a comic turn. But this time he's determined to take the 'You're never too old to learn' joke seriously. Surreptitiously, Philpot opens his first text-book in forty years, defying Maureen and regretting the two or three kind women not elegible for the class. 'What do you say after you say Hello?' the book asks, on the front page; but there are no pictures, and the new student will have to read through 200 pages to find out. EVERYMAN AND HIS WOMAN The old English poet would call it the Autumn of their lives, adding ten years and subtracting nearambition from this forgettable pair. But they've simply paused, like travellers on a dark road late at night while strangers in passing cars assume them to be local: Maureen has exchanged that road for a private telephone. Philpot accompanies her with elevated thoughts unhampered, like the English, by a class peg. His early vow to prevent that ugly ST VINCENT 15 roll of fat sitting on the back of his neck has made him more ambitious, stretched his mind miles round retirement: Suppose for instance, his situation was different, could he cope with it? Would he blow it all by, say, forgetting his Swiss Bank Account No. and be ruined? Or would he write it down and be on Maureen's level once again? These prolonged periods of selfmassage , confirmed there were no immediate crises in the lives of a wife reading Which in...