The Mobilization of Gotowar: A Heroic Tragedy in Five Acts

Characters

GOTOWAR
PRIVATE JACQUES (Jacques poilu)
EVACUEES

Setting

The play takes place in a mobilization center staffed by a civilian "shirker," or l'embusqué.

Act One

August 10, 1914.

GOTOWAR (pretending to be busy) So, has the regiment left already?

PRIVATE JACQUES Yes, buddy, gone since yesterday.

GOTOWAR Too bad! I've come all the way from Andorra to leave for the front! I could have stayed at home . . . I preferred to rush to the aid of . . .

PRIVATE JACQUES Too late . . .

GOTOWAR What shit! War is so beautiful! Flags, fanfares, charges, retaliation, conquests, occupations, the taking of Berlin, the return home, the Arch of Triumph . . . ! How beautiful it must be . . . ! I never luck out! If only I could set out on my own . . .

PRIVATE JACQUES Calm down, buddy! There'll be room enough for everyone!

Act Two

September 10, 1914.

GOTOWAR Hey, man, what luck you've had!

AN EVACUEE . . . to have come back alive! Yeah . . . right!

GOTOWAR No! What I meant was how happy you must be to have seen such beautiful things!

ANOTHER EVACUEE Sure . . . mud, blood, the death of our buddies . . . to have suffered it all: fatigue, hunger, thirst, wounds, diseases. You find that beautiful, huh!

GOTOWAR Hey! You had terrific times!

THE SECOND EVACUEE Yeah, terrific! I did my duty!

GOTOWAR (disappointed) Hey, that's war!

PRIVATE JACQUES (enters running) C'mon! C'mon, buddy, they're looking for volunteers to leave tonight. Here's your chance!

GOTOWAR Jeez . . . I thought . . . that is . . . lemme think here for a minute . . . my things aren't ready yet . . . I don't have a helmet . . .

Act Three

A series of quick scenes that take place on the tenth of each month for at least two years. PRIVATE JACQUES comes on stage each time in a field-poncho to announce to GOTOWAR the departure of one more regiment for the front. GOTOWAR's successive responses are as follows:

GOTOWAR (syncopated with feeling) Ah! Ah! Ah!

GOTOWAR (with stomachache pains) Ah! Ah! Ah!

GOTOWAR (as with yellow fever or jaundice) Ah! Ah! Ah!

GOTOWAR I can't go, I'm not sufficiently trained in the latest combat methods . . .

GOTOWAR As a foreign resident, I'm entitled not to be mobilized as yet . . .

GOTOWAR I'm essential to instruct the recruits!

GOTOWAR The draft board needs me to tick off the dog tags . . .

Etc., etc.

Act Four

GOTOWAR (alone) At last! The papers have confirmed that the armistice has just been signed . . . Ooof! . . . (breathing a sigh of relief) . . . that's over!

PRIVATE JACQUES (returning from the front) What! 'Tis Gotowar! So, still not left?

GOTOWAR (insulted) What! . . . "not left?" I beg your pardon, I certainly have left . . .

PRIVATE JACQUES But . . . hey, here you are!

GOTOWAR (haughtily) I left Andorra during the very first days to come to France and serve my country!

PRIVATE JACQUES And then?

GOTOWAR What . . . "then"?

PRIVATE JACQUES The front . . .

GOTOWAR The front! Hey, what the hell . . . I just couldn't go . . . that's all.

PRIVATE JACQUES And what do you plan on doing now?

GOTOWAR I'll go back to Andorra to prepare the retaliation.

PRIVATE JACQUES What "retaliation"? We won!!!!!!

GOTOWAR The retaliation that our enemies will certainly challenge us to in fifty years!!!!

PRIVATE JACQUES Well, buddy, if you're planning on doing the same thing you did this time . . . don't bother coming back!!! Bye!

Act Five

August 10, 1920. (We've scrapped the "unities.") A major conference in Andorra.

GOTOWAR (holding forth in front of a thousand shepherds) Six years ago, I set out for the war. Clearly it required a certain heroism, but, at such moments, it's only the first step that counts!

PRIVATE JACQUES (who has slid into the audience) Liar! You did no such thing!!!

Chaos in the crowd.

Curtain.

The Mobilization of Gotowar was published in Le Tuyau de la roulante, the freely distributed frontline...