- A History of the African American People by Strom Thurmond
March 13, 2002
Simon & Schuster, Publishers
47 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10037
Dear Sir/Madam:
I will be brief.
The project is this: A History of the African American People, by Strom Thurmond. As adviser to Senator Thurmond, I have his ear and will not say I have been entirely uninstrumental in persuading him to undertake the project in its present form. (By the way, the book title should have no honorifics : no "Senator" or "The Honorable." That's the direct wish of the Senator. It'll be a title without titles, as it were.)
Please contact me at this address and I will relay to the Senator details about such things as:
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1. royalties and payment schedules
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2. advances
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3. publicity plans
Meanwhile, I remain, your friendly and helpful associate in all things,
Most sincerely,
Barton Wilkes
Junior Adviser, Public Relations
The Hon. Strom Thurmond
April 15, 2002
Simon & Schuster, Publishers
47 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10037
ATTN: Senior Editor
Dear Sir/Madam:
In ref. to mine of the 13th inst.
Ha, ha. I'm just joking, of course. There's no need for such formality.
However, there is need for some dispatch, as the Senator always says when telling the story about how there was only one outhouse at the pie-eating contest when a prankster—the Senator swears, with a twinkle in his eye, it was not he—put castor oil in the blackberries [End Page 80]
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that filled the pies (blackberry pie, you know, is the Senator's favorite to this day): "There is need for some dispatch, Sammy!" shouts one of the boys in line. I wish you could hear the Senator tell that one.
Of course it will not be appropriate to the project we are discussing.
Or rather, I am discussing. I sent you an inquiry one month ago and have been, you will understand, somewhat confused by your failure to respond.
What am I to understand?
Most cordially yours,
Barton Wilkes
Adviser, Public Relations Department
The Hon. Strom Thurmond
May 14, 2002
Mr. Blanton Wilkes
Old Senate Office Building
Washington, D.C.
The Hon. Strom Thurmond's Staff
Dear Mr. Wilkes:
Thank you very much for your inquiry. We regret to say that the exceedingly large volume of manuscripts/proposals coming our way these days makes it impossible for us to entertain unsolicited inquiries.
We hope you will find a more receptive audience elsewhere.
Sincerely,
[no signature]
Simon & Schuster Publishers
P.S. If you sent a manuscript to us, we have to inform you that we are unable to return it.
May 17, 2002
Simon & Schuster, Publishers
47 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10037
Dear Sir/Madam:
I can appreciate a joke as well as the next fellow, as I am sure you will discover in time.
I should begin by asking you to believe that I am who I say I am, that I represent accurately Senator Thurmond's wishes, and that my reasons for contacting you in this rigorously impersonal way will become clear.
Now, as they say here on "The Hill," let's get down to business, shall we?
I think you should begin.
Sincerely,
Barton Wilkes
Adviser, Public Relations
The Hon. Strom Thurmond
May 24, 2002
Memo: Snell to McCloud
Hey Juniper!
Have a nice Memorial Day? It's my favorite holiday, Memorial Day is.
Here's who knows what. Maybe you can figure it out. Try. Can you?
Ask the guy for a proposal, but tell him the usual about how we aren't interested. Make that emphatic. Don't leave any room for doubt.
Do you keep a cat? I find a well-groomed cat a great comfort. My ex-wife hated cats. [End Page 83]
June 1, 2002
Mr. Barton Wilkes
Adviser, Public Relations
The Hon. Strom Thurmond
Dear Mr. Wilkes:
Martin...