Heaven and Hell: A Comedy

Characters

Don Pablo Romero
Fray Bartolomeo—Inquisitor
Doña Urraca de Pimentel

Scene One

A small private chapel in Doña Urraca's house.

Doña Urraca: No and no again! You can plead all you like. Today is Ash Wednesday. That means fasting.

Don Pablo: Remember we missed our chance on Shrove Tuesday during carnival.

Doña Urraca: I am a great sinner, may God forgive me! But such a sin I never will commit.

Don Pablo: Just one little kiss.

Doña Urraca: I mustn't.

Don Pablo: The sin, if sin it be, is not so very great, and I take it all upon myself.

Doña Urraca: On Ash Wednesday!

Don Pablo: The devil take Lent! Come, just one little kiss.

Doña Urraca: But . . . You are impossible! . . . At least close the window.

Don Pablo: Another! It won't make you more of a sinner.

Doña Urraca: No, leave me alone, for heaven's sake.

Don Pablo: What's that you're wearing around your neck?

Doña Urraca: It's a chaplet with an Agnus Dei blessed by our Holy Father, the Pope.

Don Pablo: But where is my portrait? And my chain? What have you done with them? Oh! Urraca, I'll bet you've given them to that infernal Father Bartolomeo to adorn the neck of some Madonna.

Doña Urraca: No, they're all in my jewel case; I simply thought that on a day such as this . . .

Don Pablo: A day such as this should be struck from the calendar!

Doña Urraca: Is that what you think, Don Pablo? Isn't today . . .

Don Pablo: All right, let's talk about something else.—You should have an older confessor. Tongues are starting to wag, and that makes me uneasy.

Doña Urraca: Show proper deference for a saintly man, even if you have no respect for me.

Don Pablo: The Devil take him! I speak of him as he deserves, because I'm convinced he's spreading lies to you about me.

Doña Urraca: On the contrary, Pablo. That poor man! He hopes you will return to the fold one of these days thanks to my efforts . . . I've been sinning for years to save your soul, you ingrate.

Don Pablo: Yes, you know how grateful I am for all your favors, but make one final sacrifice for my sake. Get rid of Father Bartolomeo discreetly.

Doña Urraca: No, he was confessor to my husband before he set sail for the New World, and Don José always made good use of his advice.

Don Pablo: Eh! By all the devils in hell! That's precisely why you should bar your door against him. What? You abandoned your husband for me, and yet you won't leave that infernal confessor of yours?

Doña Urraca: Oh! Don't swear, Pablo, I implore you . . . Not on Ash Wednesday!

Don Pablo: Your follies would teach the stone saints in your churches how to swear. Look here, for the last time, let me tell you how much I love you.

Doña Urraca: No, come back tomorrow.

Don Pablo: Eh! Tomorrow I'll be on guard duty, God damn it!

Doña Urraca: My dear Pablo, if you can't stop swearing, at least do it differently. What would it cost you to say, "Cursed be Satan!" for example, or "By golly!" as many military men do when they get angry?

Don Pablo: Adieu!

Doña Urraca: Adieu, my soul!

Don Pablo: Urraca?

Doña Urraca: What is it? What are you laughing at?

Don Pablo: Didn't you just call me your soul?

Doña Urraca: Yes, why, dear? . . .

Don Pablo: Today is Ash Wednesday.

Doña Urraca: Wicked man! How can you joke about such matters? I wasn't voicing any worldly affection for you.

Don Pablo: So that's it! Then give me a truly heavenly good-bye kiss, worthy of the cherubim . . .

Doña Urraca (Kissing him): Don't blaspheme!

Don Pablo: Adieu, my dearest friend.—Till Friday morning.

Doña Urraca: Friday...